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I have done some self-reflection the last three days. The trigger was a friend saying I can be mean at times; though it was in a joking context it got me thinking and she is right.

I believe living in a flat sharing or, as I would call it, alone for two years has changed things about me. Partly I like what I have become and then there are things which are not so grand. Living with my polar opposite older sister and parents with mostly opposite interests had raised me to learn to tolerate how things work. Opposed to that being able to shape and design my life the way I want it to has made me expect ridiculously much of other people.

I say ridiculous, because I realize that those expectations are actually too high, selfish and clearly shortsighted. I have lost a huge amount of tolerance for the little quirks of other people, also, thinking on the broader scale, for major character traits. For someone who thought of herself as accepting and tolerant to realize this and accept that she has changed it is a lot to stomach.

I used to behave like some of the people that annoy me to a non-measurable degree. I was the same way and people never approached me and gave me a vocal or physical high-five in the face. Now I seem to be sitting on a high horse and feel like I am in the position to do that to others. But I'm not. I simply am not. I don't like this side of me myself, now that I have forced myself to see it.

I try to refrain from making sarcastic, mean and most definitely hurtful comments. I believe the problem doesn't lie in saying what is on my mind, it lies in the thoughts themselves before I speak them. My language has always been direct, but the topics shouldn't cause other people unnecessary pain. Just because I don't like all these things they like and don't agree on the way they do things, I shouldn't be so intolerant and impatient.

I can't stay this way. Negative, poisoning thoughts do me no good and I have to see the good sides and lovely things again. Those that matter and remind me of why I like the people I like. I think I have let at least two people feel that what they like is something which doesn't interest me at all and it sure hurt them. I should prevent this from reoccurring.

My life is changing right now. Two summers ago I graduated from high school and moved away from my parents to a new city far away. This summer I graduated from college of further education, a private school and move within the city. I stay with friends, currently trying to find a job and I only got my own apartment keys last Friday.

My father will come here on Sunday and help me move in, get furniture, build it up and what else is needed. And I feel pressure. Although my boss from internship recommended me to an office and I wait for a phone call to schedule the job interview, the prospect of staying jobless and having to rely on my father for even longer is frightening and frustrating. It is not that I'm ungrateful, I feel it is time to lift the burden of providing for me off his shoulders. He turns 60 soon, has physical chronic health issues and worked all his life to make sure I get the best of everything; and that without spoiling me too much but pushing me to work for what I want. I want to give the love and dedication back now by finally providing for myself.

The future is so uncertain. I want a job, I want to work, I want and I think, I plan and expect, ... But I cannot foresee the future. Nothing in my life works exactly how I planed it. This is something I got used to, something that makes me scared of the future as well. I am 22 years old. I have completed an apprenticeship and have all competences to work in a job. I am scared, so very scared and frightened of adulthood, at the same time I strive towards it. Isn't it ironic that during this time I waste my energy by focusing on other people's apparent flaws? Clearly I need to change and refocus on what is important.

This is my task: Learn to accept, respect and to have more patience and tolerance for your fellow human beings. Stop sitting around in front of your laptop and surf the net for fun; find job offers and write applications instead. Get your internet connection and phone "moved" with you to the new flat. For God's sake, get moving.

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Wow, that's pretty deep. I came by your journal on a semi-reluctant spree to see how everyone I used to know is doing. Call it snooping if you'd like. At any rate, I didn't expect to see a post like this here. I'm glad you're changing and noticing your changes. I feel that everyone should have matured, but only some of us will take the reins and steer our life where we want it. I am curious to see how you are now, as a person. I may have not matured as much as you, but I tried my best to remove myself from the high horse I found myself sitting on. It's a very scary place to be. However, that's beside the point. It's been a few months since you posted this entry. How are you doing now? Do you suppose life is treating you better? For the record, I do agree that you have always been direct, but you were always the nicer person who tried to avoid conflict, which, well, doesn't always sit well with others. Sometimes being mean is necessary, but that's neither here nor there. Hello again; sorry if my comment catches you by surprise, and I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I truly don't mean to.

Ah, it has been a while we spoke and yes, it has been a while since I posted here, too.
Life is better, but it is not perfect either. I was jobless for 4 months and that was both depressing and humbling. I was entirely dependent on my father (consciously) and the state was treating me like a leech when I applied for governmental support. I have a job since January, it is low paid, has a ridiculous shift system, is not the least bit challenging compared to what I learned to be and I am mostly defenseless to my department head's moods. But after I am through those 12 months the state can't deny me support anymore and I am actually thankful to have a job at all. 4 months of being put on hold made me realize just how much I need work, need a daily routine and nothing is as sweet as telling your father "I got it now. Thank you for supporting me all these years." I pay my taxes, I pay my rent with my own money, I pay merch and music and food and everything else with the money I earn. It is a very accomplishing feeling and it makes you focus on what is important in life, too. I am not as judgmental anymore and I did manage to focus on getting my life together. I am still very honest, but I found the necessary sensitivity again how to get things across to people. I have parted ways with a friend that was toxic for me and I re-enforced friendship with people back in my parents' town, friends that need me because their life came crashing down on them.

I guess recognizing there is a problem and change is needed is already a step to maturity, but I agree, it's scary on the high horse. I am not offended by what you said, don't worry. I hope you are doing fine and not torturing yourself with too much self-doubt.

Hey, it's great to hear you've got some semblance of control over your life! Congratulations on your job; although it can be frustrating at times, please keep fighting! I like hearing how you're maturing and growing up, because I feel like I really need to see this happening to us (those of us who were in the LJ comm 4 years ago). There's a lot of bad things in the past that I need to let go of, but it's hard putting demons at bay. The weekend that I commented on your post, I reluctantly went to a Christian retreat. I think I found God again (and I don't even know if you're religious or not, so sorry for mentioning all this nonsense), because recently I had been very conflicted about whether I believed in any religion or not. With my super religious parents breathing down my neck all the time, I was really in a hard place. So, after I read your reply, I felt like I was in a bubble and I didn't know how to respond properly. It seems I'm still in the process of growing up, as well as controlling and identifying my emotions. Sorry for the weird-ish comment. I have absolutely no idea how I feel about anything anymore. Onto easier subjects, however: How are you today?

My probation at work is over in three weeks, I will start to look for a better place then and cross my fingers that I am lucky to find it. I just hold on out until then. After all my colleagues are nice to be around.
I have put what happened back then past me. It seems more and more ridiculous to me the longer I have to look back, but it was very important to us back then and we are humans, we never stop growing, changing and feeling.

I am religious and I understand you had doubts. I have had mine, but I do believe in God today (heck, I pay my Church taxes unlike most young people who just leave Church so they don't have to). I come from a Christian environment (my granny's stepfather was a pastor) and we all...well, are raised as tolerant, ecumenical thinking human beings. I don't necessarily agree with how the institution Church handles certain issues, but I believe in God and God as a loving God.

Controlling emotions is good to learn, but remember to have and find people, an outlet, to let them out and genuinely be you. Sometimes having to rage is okay. Being unjust sometimes is okay. To cry. To fear. To be hurt. Show happy emotions when you feel them.

Oh, I am good. There is the World Cup, I will be seeing my parents, my sister and my future brother-in-law, as well as a few family friends this weekend and summer is mildly warm, but not too cold. I hope you are okay.

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